Oh yes!
by MLaw
Summary: An African Grey parrot is brought to headquarters, and it may have a murdered scientist's secrets in its head. This type of parrot is a good talker, and that's exactly what Waverly is hoping it will do. Pre-saga


Solo and Kuryakin made their way along the drab corridors of headquarters, heading to Mr. Waverly's conference room.

It was one of those days, quiet with nothing really happening until the call came to report to Waverly's conference room to meet someone, and that someone was of all things...a parrot.

"I can't believe he had a bird flown here on one of our private jets," Napoleon said.

Illya had his nose buried in a folder as he kept in step with his partner. At first he said nothing and merely kept pushing his tinted glasses back up to the bridge of his nose as they were continually slipping down.

"Mr. Waverly must think it important," Illya spoke up at last before finally tucking the folder under his arm as he and Napoleon paused in front of Lisa Roger's desk.

"Go ahead in," she waved."He's waiting for you."

As the doors opened, a grey blur swept past them; both men automatically drew their weapons.

"Gentlemen, unnecessary," Waverly called to them. He walked across the room and held out his arm; a second later there was flapping sound and a parrot landed on it. He carried the creature back to his conference table where there sat a large driftwood perch. The bird hopped from the Old Man's arm to it and accepted a peanut as a reward.

"This gentlemen is Einstein, and formerly the pet or rather the companion of Doctor Eija Skarsgård of Sweden...the late doctor, as she died unexpectedly two days ago. She had contacted UNCLE, expressing fear for her life, as she was working on another formula for converting seawater into gold. Sadly we were not able to get to her in time. Her lab was ransacked, with only a few papers remaining and the bird of course."

Illya eyed the creature with interest. "The African grey is purported to be one of the best talkers among its kind, able to repeat words and phrases after hearing them just once or twice. Not only will a grey develop an outstanding vocabulary, research has shown that this species can come to understand what it is saying."

Napoleon stood behind his partner who was clueless the American was rolling his eyes.

"We are hoping she may have some of Doctor Skarsgård's secrets as part of its vocabulary. At the moment, Einstein hasn't said a word. She witnessed the doctor's demise, strangled as it were."

"So you suspect it may be traumatized?" Napoleon asked.

"It has been removed from its home, and the doctor. That may well be the case," Waverly said.

Illya walked over to it. "Hello Einstein. Hello." He switched to Swedish, "Hej Einstein. Hej."

She said nothing but he offered another peanut. Nothing, though she did hiss at him.

Illya knew that was a warning to stay away, and he withdrew the treat. African Greys hiss when feeling threatened and if he'd gotten too close, she could have taken a piece of his finger..

Napoleon gave his partner a smug look. "Let me give it a try."

"Why hello there Einstein," Napoleon crooned to it. "You're a pretty bird aren't you? Such a pretty bird. Hello."

"Hello." The bird answered, an whistled a cat call.

Napoleon turned to his partner, giving him a satisfied stare.

The bird squawked and became very excited. Fluttering its wings, it rose in the air and landed right on Napoleon's shoulder.

"Makes sense,"Illya refrained from rolling his eyes." Einstein is a female after all."

"It's settled then," Waverly nodded." You Mr. Solo will work with the bird and get her to talk. You'll have to stay here in guest quarters, keeping her with you at all times. She can not, and I repeat can not leave the premises under any circumstances."

"With me...at all times?" Napoleon swallowed hard.

Illya leaned over, whispering a dig to him." She is going to cut into your dating schedule."

If Waverly hadn't been present, Napoleon would have flipped him the bird, as the saying goes. He smiled to himself, suddenly amused at that little pun.

"Here's a list of scientific terms that may have been related to Doctor Skarsgård's work." Waverly held out a piece of paper to Solo.

E = mc 2 Au, NaCl…

Those were the only terms Napoleon recognized on a rather lengthy list.

"Sir wouldn't Mr. Kuryakin be better suited for this? After all he's more into the sciences."

"Young man, that is not the point. Einstein responded to you, and only you. She must sense something that is making her more willing to talk to you. It is your assignment Mr. Solo, now get over it."

"Yes sir." Napoleon's shoulders slumped ever so slightly.

Illya followed his partner through the corridors and watched in amusement at all the stares that Solo received while walking along with the parrot on his shoulder.

One of the secretaries squealed her delight when she saw the bird. The woman had long chestnut brown hair, an hourglass figure, and looked as though she'd be poured into her black pencil skirt and yellow blouse.

"Oh Napoleon I just love parrots. I didn't know you owned one."

"Only a temporary situation Carla," he replied. It was that moment that Einstein decided to poop on his jacket.

Napoleon bit his lip, not wanting to get upset in front of the woman.

"Well I have to be off, as you can see my jacket is in need of cleaning." He hurried to the elevator with Illya quietly in tow.

As the elevator doors closed Napoleon finally spoke up. "You really are enjoying this aren't you?"

"Yes. Now once you settle in guest quarters I will set up a tape recorder. That way if Einstein starts to rattle off any formulas, we will have an accurate record of them, and will not have to rely on your unscientific memory."

"Very funny Illya. Bad enough I have to live with a bird, and now I don't even have any privacy?"

" Wait, were you thinking of inviting your date up here?"

"It had crossed my mind."

"I would caution against it but then you will do what you do despite what I say," Illya shrugged. "However, you can turn the recorder off yourself if Einstein does not seem to want to talk. Just remember to turn back on; you wouldn't want to miss anything in the event she does speak."

Napoleon saluted." Yes sir, tovarisch sir."

A scant twenty minutes later the reel to reel tape recorder was set up and placed on a dresser.

A large cage on a stand with wooden perches set up in the corner of the room. Someone from the Commissary delivered a lunch tray for Napoleon as he very well couldn't take the bird there with him.

"Oh just peachy," Napoleon said." A ham and cheese sandwich on white bread and split pea soup?"

"And a carafe of coffee," Illya added.

A bag of parrot food, peanuts, fruit, and assorted vegetables were brought in as well.

Solo eyed it. "She's eating better than me."

"You will survive," Illya said. "I will leave you with your ahem...female companion, and will bring up your dinner tray later. Would you prefer pot roast or meatloaf?"

"Surprise me."

"Very well, it is your poison. I will be going to Chang's with Mark and April."

"You just have to torture me don't you? Well could you at least bring me back some egg rolls and dumplings?" Poor Napoleon's face actually looked pained.

"Since you asked so nicely, I will. See you later," Illya waved and closed the door behind him.

After eating his lunch Napoleon decided to try to get Einstein to talk.

He cut up some apple slices and holding one out he spoke to her.

"Hello pretty Einstein. Would you like an apple?"

"Hello, hello, yes. Hello."

Napoleon was impressed. "Gee must be my animal magnetism."

"Magnetism...squawk! From the Greek magnítis líthosi...a material or object that produces a magnetic field. Squawk!"

Napoleon turned on the recorder just in case.

"Einstein…. Doctor Skarsgård, what happened?"

The bird began to pace back and forth on her perch, bobbing her head.

"Eija! Eija!"

She was obviously distressed, and Napoleon realized he'd made a mistake.

" It's okay. Shush." He handed her another slice of apple but she let it fall to the bottom of the cage and seemed uninterested in it.

He decided to let her settle down but she remained silent all day.

His dinner of pot roast was finally delivered by Kuryakin."Any luck with Einstein?"

"Not much. She babbled on defining magnetism but after that she closed up tighter than a clam. I tried reading words from the list but nothing, not so much as a squawk."

"That is a shame, though it is a bit of a reach trying this. Keep in mind that she might start to talk just before the sun goes down."

"Illya, might I remind you there's no windows in guest quarters."

"They still sense when it is twilight, and birds become somewhat active before they settle down for the night."

"Parrots too? I've heard birds in the wild, finches, starlings… I guess seeing Einstein here made me forget that parrots are wild too. Shame she couldn't be set free once this is all done."

"She would never survive. She was raised as a hatchling by the doctor and knows nothing of the outside world. Well I am off. Hopefully she will talk for you."

Later that evening there was a knock at his door, and Solo opened it with a smile but it turned into a grin when he saw who it was.

"Hello there, juar what I ordered," he winked.

The next morning Napoleon was woken by a summons to Mr. Waverly's conference room. He was asked to bring Einstein with him in a half hour.'

After showering, shaving and dressing in a fresh clothing brought up for him, this time he remembered to drape a small hand towel over his shoulder before setting Einstein there.

He arrived on time to the conference room with Illya meeting him just outside the doors.

"And how was your night my friend? Any success with Einstein?"

"My night was fine but the bird was a no show when it came to the doors opened to the inner sanctum that was Waverly's office, the agents stepped inside together.

The Old Man looked up from his files and welcomed them; Einstein was deposited on the driftwood perch that had been set up there the previous day.

"I have good news Mr. Solo, you will no longer have to be sequestered with our feathered friend."

"But she didn't say anything, what's changed?"

"Our team has gone through Doctor Skarsgård's remaining papers and found what we were looking for, unfortunately the formula she came up with was a failure, though our scientists will continue investigating her line of thinking. Thank you for giving up your night with Einstein. Since nothing is pressing, you may take the day off, you're dismissed Mr. Solo."

"Thank you sir," Napoleon nodded to his partner and promptly left.

Illya handed a peanut to Einstein who took it in her claw and crushed it open with her beak.

"What are you going to do with her sir?"

"That is a good question. We still do not know what secrets she holds or can vocalize them. I'm afraid…"

"You are not going to kill her?"

"Good heavens no. I suppose we'll just have to keep her as sort of a mascot to be on the safe side. We have Wollman the dog, and Schpion the can, what's one more? Perhaps R&D might be an appropriate place for her?

"Einstein. Did you hear that," Illya spoke softly to her. "You will return to being a lab bird."

"Hello there," the bird suddenly spoke, sounding just like in another voice, this time a more feminine one.

"Ooooh Napoleon! Yes, yes YES! Squawk!"

"What the deuce?" Waverly blurted out.

"Beg pardon sir," Illya gathered up the parrot, getting it to step onto his arm and made a quick exit from the room.

He sighed as the pneumatic doors slipped closed behind him.

Lisa Rogers looked up from her desk. "Everything okay?"

"Miss Rogers, some things never change."

He disappeared down the corridor with the bird on his arm leaving Lisa a bit perplexed at his answer.

.

.

 ***** Wollman was introduced in "A Snowy Day surprise" Schpion was created by otherhawk and borrowed with permission.


End file.
